by sheena tran
I once loved like I forgot how to love myself
I once loved like I was sacrificial
I was dumb and young,
Under the impression we were going to live forever
Did you feel the same?
Did you love me like you didn’t know yourself anymore?
I still love you
It’s different now
But I still love you
I remember shoulders touching
Hands grasping onto each other’s skin
Your hands were so delicate
And mine were too bony,
Too stagnant at letting you go
Sometimes I would slip between the cracks of your fingers,
When all I wanted was to be like twisted rope around them
Do you remember midnight messages?
Goodnight gratitudes and fleeting frustrations?
Convoluted conversations about the future?
Remember when we had a future?
Remember when it wasn’t just about passing notes in class?
Or listening to the same music on the bus?
When it was looking into the windows of our souls?
Or carrying a bittersweet kiss on our cheeks?
There are still some days I miss you
Miss holding your face between my hands
Miss smiling as bright as the sun when I saw you
Miss bursting like volcano when you said my name
I loved it when you said my name
I loved it when you carried it with your voice,
Like you had the strength to lift me higher into the stratosphere
I felt so light,
Like a red lantern in an ocean blue sky
You don’t have to miss me
Don’t have to miss the way I looked at you when you weren’t looking at me
Or miss the way I filled your crevices
Filled your heart with warmth
Or when I wrote letters in the tears I shed for you
You don’t have to miss the darkest parts of me that made you spilled ink
You don’t have to miss the parts that made you smile
But sometimes I am not
Like how I crumble into pieces whenever I see you now
Whenever you lock eyes with me,
I am locked within your chains
Under your intimidating stare
I didn’t know it would be possible for me to do that
Make you into moon goddess
I am still captivated by you,
Somehow committed to you
You are tugging on my ever-being
My waters rugged and tides overbearing
Am I not my own person anymore?
Maybe I’m okay with that:
Being stuck to you forever
Maybe I’m okay with that…
But I know I am just a burden
A parasite you want to be released from
When will you sever that tie?
Sever the red cords I’ve attached to your heart?
I am so easy to be rid of
I think you miss me
P.S. You should have drowned me out when you had the chance.
sheena is on instagram @nhoxiu17 & @sherbertsheena